It’s funny. Now that I am less than 20 lbs away from my goal weight. I’ve been thinking more about what it was life when I was at my biggest.
And what flipped that switch in my head.
It made me think of this one day, where I was sick as a dog (at my heaviest) and had to turn in an assignment at school.
I had no make-up on, I was pasty and just generally looked like death.
So. of course, I ran into my first boyfriend.
The biggest slap in the face was that he didn’t even recognize me. He did one of those “oh hey things” to me.
Then. A few hours later, I got a message from his best friend.
(back story: I dated B when I was anorexic (well, borderline?). J, the best friend, was a total asshole to me the whole time B and I were dating. He was always calling me fat and ugly and fun stuff like that.)
The message from J, basically said, “Even B thought you looked really fat. He was shocked. way to go.”
Suffice to say, I was crushed. I knew I was big. I knew it. But to hear it from J like that was horrible. Granted, J is a mean and vindictive person, so who knows if B really said that. But that’s not really the story.
I don’t know if it was the anger I felt from that message or if I was just sick to death of J “being able” to say those type of things to me. But I was done.
Now, looking back, I realize that’s the wrong way to start weight loss. Well, the wrong reason. I know now that I should lose weight because I want to, not because I want to show others how hot I can become or anything else like that.
But I can still remember that feeling. I can still remember that sadness.
I am nowhere close to that girl I used to be. Heck, part of me wants to go thank J for being such a jerk.
I am a stronger person than I was. Not just because I can do higher weights then I could a few years ago, but because emotionally now, I know I wouldn’t fall apart if I got a message like that from him again.
I hate to think that there are other people out there who have gone through similar situations as I have. I thankfully had Pete to cry on at the time. But that won’t be the case with everyone else who would have to deal with something like this.
Life. High school. College. They’re hard enough to get through without people being bullies.
It’s hard to be okay with who you are or what you look like without seemingly constant critic from others.
Because of experiences like this, I find that I have been a much more understanding and less judgmental person.
The pain never really goes away. But. I think it can be transformed into something else.